APRIL FOOLS: The 5 Best Cigarette Brands for Longevity

APRIL FOOLS: The 5 Best Cigarette Brands for Longevity

Editor’s note:

This piece was published on April 1, 2021 for April Fools’ Day. Obviously, we don’t condone smoking, of any kind, for health or longevity. Just about every study out there shows smoking vastly increases your risk for deadly diseases like lung cancer and cardiovascular disease. So don’t do it!

Affiliate Disclaimer: Longevity Advice is reader-supported. When you buy using links on our site, we may earn commissions.

What do Jeanne Calment, Fredie Blom, and Marie-Louise Meilleur have in common? 

They all lived over 110 years, and they were all life-long smokers. 

Here at Longevity Advice, we take particular pride in being the smartest people in the life extension space. Sure, neither of us (J.P. or Rachel) has a Ph.D. in biochemistry, but we’re each geniuses in our own right. Fact-checking, scientific diligence, and third-party confirmation be damned; we can figure out any life extension puzzle with our big, big brains. 

Together, we decided to figure out the correlation between living a long time and human life extension, as evidenced by these supercentenarians. First, we decided that there is definitely causality—that much is evident from these three examples of long-lived smokers. 

Best Cigarette Brands for Longevity & Life Extension

Next, we investigated how cigarettes could help people live a long time

Here are a few of our hypotheses:

Regardless of which one of these theories is the real reason why smoking will help you live longer, it’s clear that if you’re not already a smoker, it’s time for you to get started. 

That said, there are a lot of cigarette options out there. Between Kools, cowboys, and camels, each box promises a lifetime of strength, charisma, and joy. Where to even begin?

Have no fear. We went out and smoked a year’s worth of cigarettes to find you the best brands to kickstart your longevity journey. 

1. American Spirit

American Spirit healthiest cigarette for longevity
Now available in Japan, where the average life expectancy is five years higher than in the U.S.

If we’ve learned anything from the hippies at Whole Foods, it’s that anything with natural, organic ingredients must be healthy!

That’s why American Spirit is a top cigarette brand for life extension. All their cigarettes are advertised as 100% all-natural organic tobacco with no added ingredients.

That means all that’s getting into your lungs from these healthy cigarettes is real, all-American tobacco smoke and tar! Yesiree, just the lung-blackening carbon and other combustion byproducts coming from these death sticks, just as nature and Gaia intended.

2. Marlboro Reds

Marlboro Reds so very nutritious
For real men only!

If, for some weird reason, you think having fewer cigarettes may actually be better for your health and longevity then, don’t worry! We’ve got a cigarette brand for you.

Marlboro Reds are some of the most potent cigarettes on the market, with enough nicotine and other chemicals to stun a small horse.

In fact these cigarettes are so strong they’ll knock you off your feet and make you so dizzy you won’t physically be able to smoke another! Their famous mascot, the cowboy Marlboro Man, lived to the ripe old age of 51, so you know they’re good for you.

3. Treasurer

Pricey Treasurer cigarettes for life extension
You have to spend money in order to get healthy, that’s what all those fitness infomercials have proved.

Everyone knows the people of the British Isles are some of the most health-conscious and long-lived in the world.

This British brand of cigarettes brings their famous health and wellness techniques to the rest of the world, at a price!

Treasurer brand cigarettes are the most expensive cigarettes out there, and since spending lots of money is correlated with healthy outcomes, they may also be the healthiest cigarettes out there. They’ll make the perfect pairing with your yacht when you’re 300 years old.

4. Pall Mall

Health nuts love Pall Malls
We had it right in the 1950s.

As the late Kurt Vonnegut’s favorite cigarette, Pall Malls have long charmed American and British smokers with their lightweight feel and heavy smoke.

Doctors have long loved Pall Malls for their throat-soothing properties. The secret is tar. Each cigarette in their Full Filter variety contains 10 mg of the stuff—and statistically, about 70% of it coats your insides with a sticky reminder to have another drag. 

Unlike Treasurer cigarettes, Pall Malls are affordable for the average spanner, making them a great gateway to the long-lived smoker’s life.

5. Camel Crush

Health Camel Crushes. Cigarettes for kids!
The best cigarettes for kids!

Known as the “libertarian cigarette,” Camel Crushes offer a choice with each smoke: do you want a menthol or regular experience? If the answer is menthol, you can “crush” a small capsule inside the filter to change the flavor.

Seeing as menthol is the most popular kind of cigarette for kids, Camel Crushes are an excellent way of introducing your family to a lifetime of cigarette addiction. Children love feeling the burst of menthol between their fingers, and they’ll appreciate its cool, minty taste.

Plus, menthol cigarettes are notoriously tougher to quit than normal cigarettes. Once your kiddo is hooked, you can rest assured that they’ll likely never get off the cigarette train.

Cigarillos? Vapes? Hookahs? 

There’s a whole world of smoking that we didn’t have the time to explore in this article. How are you keeping your lungs activated for life extension? Let us know!


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